Karen and her husband worried for months about his 74-year-old mother. Her health was declining and they were not confident that she could really look after herself properly any longer.

The decision was made. Grandma would move in with them. Now, they faced the challenge of making this change work for his mom, for their three children and for them too.
“Change is never easy and this sort of change will require adjustments for all involved,” said Robin Gurwitch, PhD of Edmond. Gurwitch, who is a child psychologist with the OU Physicians’ Child Study Center, suggests that parents prepare their children for some changes before move-in day.

“No matter how much your children love their grandmother, the new living arrangements will, initially, be a little tough,” Gurwitch said. “Talk to your children about the adjustments that may need to be made with regard to sharing bathrooms, sharing the TV, mealtimes and the rest of the family routine. Let them make suggestions about how to help with some of the changes. You may need to be especially patient with your teenager. He may be more sensitive to changes and more concerned about how this will impact his life as he is redefining his relationship with you and striving for increased independence. As you discuss the changes the family may be making, talk about how their grandmother will also be making changes that can be difficult. Talk truthfully, at a level they can understand, about why their grandmother is making this move. Together, think about ways they can help make her feel more welcome.”

Point out some of the positive aspects to having their grandmother around more often. For instance, she may be able to help them with their homework, they will be able to do more fun things together, and she will be there each day to hear about all of the “awesome things” that happen at school each day

“Encourage your children to take this time to really get to know their grandmother better,” Gurwitch added. “Here is a wonderful opportunity to learn about what it was like when she was a kid? How did her school compare to theirs?  What was their father like when he was their age? This is a great way to help your children experience history and learn about their own family history in a whole new way.”

Just as this may be a bit difficult for your children, it may also be difficult for grandma too.. If she was living independently before, she will have her “ways” of doing things. These may be different than yours. Talk about her expectations of moving into your home and let her know about your family’s routines, rules, and responsibilities.

It is especially important to discuss how you and your husband address discipline. Children are very good at learning when adults do not see “eye to eye” and using this information to work in their favor.

Help Grandma to feel important to the family. Encourage her to help out too so that she feels useful. She might want to help fix the after-school snack each day or play a game with the kids so that you can go grocery shopping on Saturday morning. Listen to her ideas about how she may want to help and fit into this new living arrangement.

“As this change will also require adjustments for you and your husband, recognize that you may have less patience with your children and each other as most of us become more irritable when stressed,” Gurwitch said. Take time to talk with each other about these changes, both the positive ones and the potentially difficult ones.

Gurwitch stressed that it is important to prepare everyone ahead of time for the “little bumps in the road” that are likely to occur as the family gets used to the new living situation. “Most importantly,” she added, “be sure that everyone knows that it is okay to talk about the changes and work together to find solutions to any problems that arise.”

“Let your children know that they can talk to you when they get frustrated and that together you will work to find a satisfactory solution,” Gurwitch said. “After a little time for adjustment, your entire family may grow to appreciate this new time spent together as an extended family.”